Letting Go

 

      I’ve said good bye to many things this past year, as we all have due to the pandemic.  I think what I miss most is the routine of the weekdays.  Since I was (still am) unable to work as Hillary has no day program to attend, we have no set routine like we did when I had to get her ready to leave the house either for the bus or to drop her off before I went to work.  I miss the routine of finding a parking space, and saying “good morning” to my coworkers, then rushing through errands after work and getting home in time to change, knock back a cup of coffee, and welcome Hillary home.  There is no reason for rushing now, no sense of urgency to my time.  It was nice at first, now it makes for a long day.  I miss how things were, but I doubt I will be doing all that again.  Things are and will be different; it’s one of life’s adjustments.

               In addition to saying good bye to coworkers, I lost my Aunt Audrey and my brother Dan; we laid their ashes to rest this month, my aunt with many of my cousins present, and my brother with just my remaining brothers and our children and spouses gathered at the grave.  I have yet to delete either one of them from my contact list on my iPhone.  I just can’t bring myself to do it.  It’s hard to say goodbye to people who are important in our lives, people we have spent our whole lives loving and knowing were there in the background most of the time, but still there. I have pictures and my memories of them, but if you’ve ever lost anyone you understand it’s just not the same as having them here on Earth somewhere.  I will miss having the possibility of seeing or speaking with my aunt ever again and sending her cards, I will forever miss my brother at the Thanksgiving table because we always were seated next to each other.  I miss his sense of humor and his intelligence, and reminiscing about our childhood with him.  He was a gentle soul.

               We all have dreams that we have to let go of, and ones that have to be altered.  My childhood dream was to be an artist.  I loved painting, drawing, working with clay and doing crafts, and thought I was going to go to art school when I grew up.  I remember one year for Christmas I got a table top easel, a huge set of watercolor paints and brushes, and watercolor paper.  I spent many hours painting landscapes and pictures of the sky.  I also had pastels and charcoal pencils and a sketch pad. I loved drawing horses, learning how from a book, and I used to look out my bedroom window at my little desk and sketched what I saw.  There was a little wooden shed across the street and I remember sketching that.  I wish I still had those pictures, but once I grew up, they were put aside and eventually discarded.  My dreams changed from being an artist to other pursuits such as getting married and starting a family.  I still sketch from time to time, and every once in a while go to a paint and sip event.  I still enjoy playing at being an artist; it keeps me in touch with that childhood dream.

               Life changes, and changes us in the process.  The things that happen around us help shape who we are, and to some extent how we are.  I think our memories and feelings of nostalgia enable us to remember how we were and how far we’ve come.  Saying “so long” to the past and reaching for the future moves us through our lives which always seems to me to be bittersweet.