Beautiful

 In trying to cope with our deep grief, we have been doing some traveling. We took a short road trip to Lancaster, Pennsylvania first. It was a quiet trip as it was in February and the off season. Not everything was open, and there weren’t very many other tourists there. We saw many sights as we drove through Amish and Mennonite areas. Signs of a simpler way of life were there in everything from sharing the roads with horse and buggy, laundry gently swaying in lines in the breeze, to fields being plowed in the distance by horse drawn plows. There were also some beautiful sunsets, which I found soothing for my hurting heart.

Our next trip in March was to drive 1,500+ miles from New Jersey to Texas, with overnight stops in Virginia, Tennessee, and Arkansas then 8 days in Texas staying with family. We saw, along the way, the Smokey Mountains, Blue Ridge Mountains, the Mississippi River, the Cumberland Mountains, and signs of spring. We saw different varieties of trees and flowers beginning to bloom, and by the time we got to Texas most of the trees were full of leaves, quite different than the not even budding yet trees we left behind at home. I don’t think we will do such a long road trip again, as we are no longer young and 6 hours in a car 4 days in a row was rather exhausting, but we are glad we did it. If you ever get the chance to take a long road trip, I recommend doing so at least once. We saw many beautiful sights and did some interesting sight seeing while in Texas. Among other places we visited while there, such as the Ft. Worth Stockyards and the Bureau of Engraving (where paper money is printed), my favorite by far was the GW Bush Presidential Center on the campus of Southern Methodist University in Dallas. It was interesting and well put together, and whatever your politics are it is well worth checking out. One of my favorite parts was a short video the president’s daughters made about their father. They focused on his humor and it gave a good sense of what kind of person he is. It is also in a beautiful setting as the SMU campus is lovely. We also had a chance to see family we don’t see because we all live so far away, which was very nice, and comforting to our grieving souls.

Our third, and final (for a little while) road trip was to the Adirondacks in NY to visit more family and view the eclipse. There we went back a half a season as they still had quite a bit of snow on the ground when we arrived. It’s a beautiful sight to see snow covered mountains in the distance as we did driving through the Catskills on the way. While we were there the weather warmed, spring arrived and snow melted. The day of the eclipse was sunny and warm enough that we were outside on the deck all afternoon to see the spectacular sight of the moon briefly covering the sun. We had our eclipse viewing glasses and snacks. We enjoyed very much our time staying with more family, again finding solace with loved ones in a beautiful setting.

Even though I have seen many beautiful sights, I think the most beautiful thing to see is family and friends, taking care of each other. How could anything possibly be more beautiful and breathtaking than that? Love wins and it’s a beautiful thing.

Beautiful In A Terrible Way

 This year, 2024 has gotten off to a very rough start.  Our precious princess passed away on January 7th after being admitted to the hospital ICU with RSV, pneumonia, and sepsis. It is the most awful time of our lives, saying goodbye and learning to live without her.  It is a strange and empty feeling to be without someone who has been at the center of your life every day for just over 3 decades.  She was patient, and gentle while also being stubborn. She was a beautiful soul who we don't know how we will go on without in our daily lives.  That last night, as snow fell outside the hospital room, we gathered around her lying in the hospital bed as she fought for her life.  The next afternoon, as snowflakes lightly drifted down, we gathered around her as she took her final breaths in this life,  It was beautiful in the most terrible way.

It’s A Wonderful Life

 Here we are, starting a new year, 2024. The one just passed was, as always, a mixture of good things and bad things. A year where carefully made plans flew out the window to be replaced by short notice, illnesses, home improvements and social occasions. There was also some loss, close calls, confusion, and just generally all the things that lives are made up of. 2023 was fast paced, ever changing and bittersweet. I think most years are that way when we look back on them. Through it all, I try to keep my chin up and move forward. Although my heart may be heavy and fears trying to take over my thoughts, I have a determination to make it through and find something positive to focus on. I don’t always succeed, but with the help of family and friends I generally find my way through.

Also, I am thinking about things I have done differently in 2023. Here are a few of them:

— My husband and I do the grocery shopping together since he retired early in the year. I used to go alone and sometimes I still do, but us going together is now the norm.

— I eat cheese curls with a toothpick to keep my hands clean. Funny, right? I did it by accident one day, I had a toothpick holding a sandwich together and when I took it out it stuck in a cheese curl on my plate. It was a delightful revelation for me as I always ended up needing to scrub the orange dust off my fingers after indulging in those delightful crunchy salty morsels.

— I planted fewer flowers in pots last summer. It’s a lot of work and I found that I was just as happy with less, and the upkeep was less taxing.

— I stopped chasing friends. I realized that I do not have to be the planner. If friends want to get together I usually will, but I let them initiate most of the time. It’s much less frustrating to let them decide when there is time in their schedules since mine is pretty open. That’s not to say I ignore them unless they contact me, communicating is a 2 way street, after all, I just prefer for them to let me know when their schedules allow for us to meet.

— I returned to my church after many years of staying away. I was delighted and moved that I was welcomed back by many familiar faces and joined a bible study group. It’s nice chatting with different yet familiar people on a more regular basis. 

All of these things remind me that it is truly a wonderful life. I wonder what 2024 will bring?

Oh Spirit

 Where is my Christmas spirit? I wish I knew! Buried, perhaps, somewhere under all of the other feelings I have from dealing with the upsetting and life altering events of this crazy year? Well, probably. Surely it is in there, waiting to be awakened. I’m hoping it is trying to push its way to the surface, to put the light of anticipation in my eyes and heart that are usually in evidence by now. Anticipation of the beautiful decorations I will place in my house. Anticipation of the treats and gifts I will share with the ones that I love and the fun we will have together. Anticipation of the beautiful cards I will receive and send, and of the church celebration of Christ’s birth. The lovely music, and telling of stories both old and new. I know that spirit lives in me, surely I would not have hung outside Christmas lights and hung greenery on my front door, and gone shopping for some Christmas gifts if the spirit were not there. I would not have put on a Christmas tee shirt and tacky Christmas tree earrings to attend a Christmas party if it were not awakening. No, if the spirit buried in me had died I would have done none of those things. It is there, it just needs some encouragement to rise and become stronger, putting the light of anticipation of joy in my eyes and in my heart.

Constant State of Emergency

 

This has been a year when I feel that I’m nearly living in a constant state of emergency. We have had, in our house, some sort of virus affecting one of us almost every month. Add to that an accelerated date of retirement for my husband due to his job being eliminated at the beginning of the year, necessitating quickly figuring out health insurance for each of us, finances, and a huge change in routine all while dealing with illness. The washer broke and had to be replaced, the bathtub was rusting and had to be dealt with, the van needed work and our home health aide was in a motorcycle accident and is not expected to be back before October. It’s a lot of stuff to wade through, but we did it and do it because it’s just life. Through it all we try to maintain a positive attitude and keep moving forward. Sometimes, however, it’s tough when the world seems determined to focus on the negatives.so here are some good things that have happened. I have a brand new washer! It works really well and the man that delivered and installed it could not have been nicer, patiently explaining things and showing us how to set the controls, etc. My bathtub is now rust free and beautiful, and safer as we added safety bars. It’s such a pleasure using it! We had a man come and power wash the outside of our house, decks, and patio and seal all the wood. It looks brand new and we bought a new table and umbrella for the patio, and lovely annuals we put in pots and hanging baskets. We also have a patio garden on wheels that is yielding some zucchini, tomatoes, eggplant and peppers! The extra hot and humid sauna like weather really helped everything grow this year. The van, once repaired has been reliable and took us to visit family in another state for a few days. We had a nice visit in beautiful surroundings. We got home safely and have had some time to relax before resuming attending to the many appointments and responsibilities that are part of life.

So you see, there are many positives in life, and I try to focus on those to counter the negatives that come our way, and the ones that the news casters and social media seem to feel we need to be inundated with on a daily if not hourly basis. I wish you peace.

                                It was a steamy, cloudy morning in the mountains where we were.

   The new bathtub and safety bars.

Flowers on the patio.

          A beautiful sunset sky after a thunderstorm. I love the colors and the way the clouds are.

          The fire in the fire pit at my sister in law’s place, I think the log “ chimney” is so cool!