Minefields

This time of the year is an emotional minefield. Back to school time and Hillary’s birthday. The stores are packed with cute outfits for an almost 19 year old to love, but I’m looking at the stretch pants, wondering if they’ll stretch enough to go up and over the diaper easily. I’m looking for t-shirts without a wide neck or scoop neck. I look in the misses department and find the styles suitable for her are in fabrics that are better suited for me. It’s simply the reality that we have, but it still cuts emotionally. It was easier when she was smaller to find appropriate clothing for her. She can still fit into a girls extra large, but it would look silly on her. I try to keep her relevant to her peers, giving her the dignity she deserves and the chance to blend in as much as possible. I don’t want her to be known as the girl who dresses funny. Recently I came across a company that makes waterproof clothing protectors that look like a shirtfront. I prefer these for school and outings instead of bibs. Again, her dignity is important.


Then there is the matter of Hillary’s birthday. One more emotional mine field for me. What do you get someone who can’t tell you what they want, and who’s hobbies include playing with her bead curtain, slinkys that never wear out, and a tether ball toy? New toys end up collecting dust, as she has no interest in them. CD’s perhaps, but honestly she seems just as happy with the radio as with a CD. Books on tape (or CD)? Maybe, but truly she seems as happy with the radio as with a recorded book. She enjoys the gifts all piled on her tray, brightly colored papers and gift bags all crinkly with tissue paper and ribbon. Her interest, however, wanes once the gift is out of the wrapping. Sometimes I’m not sure what I am giving the gift to her for, Hillary’s enjoyment, or my conscience? I don’t know what the answer is. I just know that occasions such as these unbalance me emotionally. I’ll still invite family and some friends over for a birthday party; we celebrate everyone’s birthday that way. Another year survived is certainly cause for celebration with cake and ice cream, music and laughter. I’ll take some goodies to her class at school so they can celebrate with her as well.
 I’ll get through this emotional minefield just as I do every year.
At some point in time I’ll learn how to deal with it a little bit better, I’m sure. For now though, I’ll muddle along through back to school and birthday shopping, and recover my equilibrium in time for the next minefield on the calendar--Christmas.