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Friday, July 29, 2011

I Try

I generally try to focus on the positive things that are part of my life.  Sometimes, though, I feel like I need to acknowledge the not so great things.  Lately I've been feeling like those not good things are intruding themselves into my thoughts too often.  So here I share some of the less good, dare I say crappy things that are part of my life with Hillary.

18 + years of one-sided conversations with my child, trying to decipher her cries, grunts, moans, squeals, and whimpers.  Some days I try everything that's worked in the past, checked everything I can, and still am left guessing.

22 years of changing diapers. (I'm counting the few years from my first child in that number)

Constantly worrying that the insurance will deny coverage of supplies or treatment for my daughter, and the fight that will ensue over phone, fax, and mail.

Hearing people us the "R" word and knowing they find nothing wrong with it.

Trying to get my daughter in her wheelchair into buildings and trying to get through crowds with her too.

Meeting friends or going out with my husband only after making sure my daughter will be or is cared for--she can never be left alone.

Knowing that there are people who refuse to work with my daughter.

NEVER having a day off from my main job of caring for my daughter, even if I'm sick or injured.  I've even put her on the bus, gone and had surgery, gotten home before she got home from school, and still fed and medicated her at bedtime.

Tomorrow I'll go back to focusing on the positives, and I'll appreciate them so much more after acknowledging the negatives today.  If we never felt sad, how would we know how good happy feels?

1 comment:

Kathi said...

Sue I hear your heart's cry. Acknowleging the hurt and pain doesn't diminish from your love for your family and grateful heart. You are being honest and human. I acknowlege the hurt and pain in my life, but don't DWELL there. I visit, but don't stay too long! There are many positives as well, like you said!

I'm glad you shared the hard stuff too. It's part of life. A life that is often less than perfect.

You are a wonderful, strong and remarkable woman!