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Thursday, June 28, 2012

More Bruises to My Heart

It happened again.  Yesterday I filled out some forms required to plan for Hillary’s future.   I don’t like to think about the realities of that, it makes my heart hurt.  The forms require writing down everything that she needs done for her—everything she can’t do—which is pretty much everything.  It gives such a sad, depressing “snapshot” of her.  It doesn’t tell who she is, what she’s like, what she can do.

I went to the library today, leaving Hillary with my wonderful respite woman for a few hours so I could run some errands and have some time to myself.  While there I noticed two young women in wheelchairs with their attendants.  I couldn’t help but think how in just 2 short years Hillary will no longer be in school, and our options for what she will do to fill the hours of the day are limited.  One option is to hire attendants to take her places.  While I know that it is wonderful to have options at all, I think how sad and lonely that would be for her.  She likes to be around other people who are lively, talking, laughing, doing things.  None of the available options for her include as much of that as she has at school every day.  It hurts my heart.

I always knew that these days would come.  There will be more and more forms and decisions to be made over the next couple of years in regards to Hillary.  Just because I knew this was coming, doesn’t mean it’s any easier.  At least I wasn’t blindsided by it.  Forgive me if I occasionally post about these things, they are not happy thoughts, but necessary, and by confronting them I can continue to give Hillary the happiest life I am able to provide.

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